Paella Yoshinolla (Fancy Yoshinoya) by Erik of Fancy Fast Food

This Valentine’s Day, spice up your gastronomic love life with a little shichimi-togarashi (Japanese seven spice chili powder) — you can find some at the Japanese-imported fast food chain Yoshinoya! And while you’re at the The Original Beef Bowl eatery, you might as well pick up some items to tweak à la Fancy Fast Food and make a romantic-looking dinner — assuming you don’t mind giving that special someone the gift of acid reflux. (Better tell Cupid to pack the Tums.)

Ingredients (from Yoshinoya):

• 1 Beef Short Rib and Chicken Plate
• 1 Grilled Shrimp Bowl
• 1 miso soup
• 1 chicken vegetable soup
• 1 side order of steamed vegetables
• 2 condiment cups of shichimi-togarashi (seven spice chili powder)
• 2 condiment cups of beni shoga (pickled ginger)
• 2 soft drinks of your choice

For this romantic-looking dinner, we are going to be inspired not by Japan, but by Spain — the passionate and amorous country that brought us the sensuous dance of flamenco and the aphrodisiacal delicacy of paella. In fact, we are going to fake a paella from our Yoshinoya ingredients.

First, take all the rice from your bowls and plates and spread it evenly at the base of a pan. Add the broth from the soups and simmer over a low heat. Then collect all your vegetables from the bowls and plates and add those to the stewing mixture as well.

Since we don’t have the traditional coloring spice of saffron, we are going to spice things up with the colorful Japanese chili powder. Distribute it evenly so that it infuses with all the rice and broth, and stir — it will look like you are actually making a real paella (convincing enough for any request to “kiss the cook.”)

There are as many styles of paella as there are types of fillings in a box of chocolate bon-bons, and for this “yoshinolla” version we’re going to add chicken, shrimp, and chorizo. Of course we don’t actually have Spanish sausage, so we’ll have to improvise and cut the beef short ribs into sliced sausage shapes. Slice the chicken while you’re at it, and butterfly the shrimp. Chances are you’re not getting the freshest shrimp money can buy, but hey, it’s the thought that counts, right?

Transfer the rice to a proper paella pan and garnish the top with your three meats, as well as some strips of pickled ginger for an additional splash of color. Then break out the candles or turn the lights low to set the mood. Pour your beverages in fancy wine glasses and tada!: a romantic-looking Valentine’s dinner for you and your loved one. It should go without say that it’s probably not going to be the best tasting “paella” you’ve had since you faked it — and faking it in the kitchen might lead to faking it in another room in the house — so make sure you have some backup reservations somewhere…

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