Beef C’Arbysscio (Fancy Arby’s)
by Erik of Fancy Fast Food (with some support from Lana Price)
The Raw Foods Movement may be getting plenty of attention these days in our modern food-obsessed culture, but it’s actually been practiced by people for millennia — from the first caveman who bit into an uncooked, prehistoric McRib before fire was invented, to celebrity raw food diet-endorsing Demi Moore, who has been munching on raw vegetables since before Ashton Kutcher was invented.
The fast food chains haven’t really embraced raw foods (other than their salad offerings) but that doesn’t mean you can’t pretend things are raw. For this mock recipe, we are going to close our eyes and pretend beef is raw when making a beef carpaccio — and what classier place to get our freshly sliced beef than the fast food home of roast beef sandwiches.
Ingredients (from Arby’s):
- 1 Super Roast Beef Sandwich
- 1 Roast Turkey and Swiss Sandwich
- 1 order of Jalapeño Bites
- 1 side salad
- 1 medium fruit punch
- packets of Arby’s Sauce and Horsey Sauce
First, take apart the roast beef sandwich and discover what we already know: that the roast beef isn’t raw; it’s roasted after all, and it’s brown-colored. Raw beef is supposed to be red, so we’re going to have to dye the beef. This is where the fruit punch comes in. Pour the fruit punch in a non-stick skillet and bring it to a boil so that it starts reducing. We want the red syrupy goodness to thicken before putting in slices of the roast beef. Coat both sides of the meat until it soaks up the red liquid, and then place the meat on a fancy white platter.
The red syrup will almost immediately start to dry out, so use a pastry brush to reapply the syrup as needed. For extra redness, you can brush on some packets of the reddish Arby’s sauce as well.
Meanwhile, skin the jalapeño bites, and slice them the long way into strips; then use it to garnish the plate. While you’re at the cutting board, cut the Swiss cheese from the turkey sandwich into smaller pieces; use this for garnish too. For added flair, drizzle some Horsey sauce on top with a squeeze bottle. Finally, top the meat with some greens from the side salad and, if you want, slice the bread and buns into smaller pieces to serve it on the side. Presto! It’s so easy, even a caveman could do it — or Demi Moore, if she ever felt like it.
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