Valentine Culvoutis (Fancy Culver’s)
by Erik of Fancy Fast Food (with help from Allison Jaffe and Stephanie Etkin)

Centuries ago, when the French came up with the baked dessert called clafoutis, little did they know that at a glance, the word looks like it might be a venereal disease. (“Merde! J’ai la clafoutis!”) However, the word actually refers to a sweet and buttery pastry baked with black cherries on top, originally from the Limousin region. Traditionally, clafoutis is baked and served in a round pan, but you can always improvise by using a heart-shaped one — so that you can make this V.D.-sounding treat for another V.D. (Valentine’s Day). You can further improvise à la Fancy Fast Food and make the entire thing from items from Midwestern fast food chain, Culver’s.

Ingredients (from Culver’s):

• 3 Original ButterBurgers
• 1 dish of frozen vanilla custard with cherries
• 2 extra cups of cherry topping
• 1 cup of water

First, remove all the cherries from the top of the custard. We won’t need the custard for the rest of the recipe, so go ahead and eat it before it melts. When you’re done, take those cherries, plus all the extra ones, and cut them into halves. Then rinse off all the sticky syrup using a colander.

For the buttery batter, we’ll use the buns from the ButterBurgers. Break them apart with your hands and put them in a food processor. Add a little water and blend it down until it becomes a nice doughy substance. Mold this dough into the bottom and sides of heart-shaped baking pans; add in cherries as you fill the inside. Bake them in a pre-heated oven for twenty minutes at 400°F, then let them cool before serving under candlelight for your special Valentine. And when V Day is over and your special someone wants more — even begging, “Pretty please with a cherry on top” — you’ll know just what to give them: indigestion.

If you are viewing this recipe in an aggregator (like tumblr’s Dashboard), or as a reblogged post, please check out the real website at FancyFastFood.com.

Tacoliatelle con Pesto di Frito (Fancy Beefy Crunch Burrito)
by Erik of Fancy Fast Food (with some assistance from Alexandra Jamieson)

It’s been twenty whole months since we here in the Fancy Fast Food kitchen have fancified something from Taco Bell, and now that 2011 is well under way, we’re going to party like it’s 2009. We’re going to make another pasta dish out of burrito, this time with inspiration from a recipe we found on the internet for Tagliatelle with Corn Pesto — a recipe which “re-imagines” pesto sauce by substituting corn for basil. Well, we are going to “re-re-imagine” this corn pesto sauce by using corn chips instead of actual corn. Never mind the recent news reports that question Taco Bell’s beef; what’s more important is that they now put spicy Fritos in their latest burrito offering! Let’s head for the border…

Ingredients (from Taco Bell):

• 1 Beefy Crunch Burrito (combo with:)
• 2 crunchy beef tacos
• 1 fountain drink with blend of Sierra Mist, Mountain Dew, and Tropicana Fruit Punch
• packets of Border Salsa Verde sauce
• PLUS: whole organic basil leaves (for an extra touch of irony)

Before you leave the borders of Taco Bell, be sure you make your fountain drink look like the faux white wine you will be serving with your dish at the end. Pour in about three-quarters clear Sierra Mist and then squirt in some Mountain Dew. The color may be too florescent, so offset the hue’s intensity with a splash of red Tropicana Fruit Punch. Go back and forth with the Mountain Dew and fruit punch as needed. If the color doesn’t turn out just right by the time the cup is full, just pour it all out and start over (preferably without a stingy manager looking over).

Once you’re in your kitchen, unwrap the Beefy Crunch Burrito. You won’t really need the rice for this pasta dish, so discard it (or eat it away), and then put the rest of the filling — including those Flamin’ Hot Fritos — in a mixing bowl (minus half of the beef since you won’t need it all). Now that the tortilla is empty, rinse it in the sink and pat it dry with a paper towel.

Slice the tortilla in two and then crank each half through a pasta cutter with the broad noodle attachment. In the end, you’ll have perfectly formed faux tagliatelle pasta. Collect it all in a big mixing bowl.

Next, the sauce. Cut open 15-20 packets of the Border Salsa Verde, squeeze them into a small skillet, and warm it up over a low heat. Meanwhile, take the lettuce and cheese from the two tacos and chop them into smaller pieces. While you’re at it, you might as well chop up some of the corn taco shells so our re-re-imagined corn pesto is extra corny. Add all of this to the bowl with the burrito filling and mix well.

Fold in the Border Salsa Verde into the big mixing bowl with the pasta. Then add in the filling mixture. Toss the pasta in the added ingredients until it is smothered.

Finally, the plating. Don’t scoop the pasta out in one heap and transfer it onto a plate (it will look like a messy glop); instead, transfer the pasta to the plate one or two noodles at a time with a pair of tongs. Garnish with ironic basil leaves to give homage to the pesto gods, and serve with your fountain drink blend in a wine glass! Buon appetito!

If you are viewing this recipe in an aggregator (like tumblr’s Dashboard), or as a reblogged post, please check out the real website at FancyFastFood.com.

Santa’s McStrudel & Cookies (Fancy Happy Meals)
by Erik of Fancy Fast Food (with some assistance from Phil Langer, Mark Trinidad, Amanda Albergo, Megan Quinn, and Jarrod Spillers)

It’s that time of the year again, when that jolly old fat guy sweeps down chimneys around the world, bearing gifts to those who are not naughty, but nice. And for some, it’s a Christmas tradition to leave an offering for Santa Claus — typically a sweet treat of cookies and milk — in an attempt to bribe him for the really good toys, like Mattel’s Sing-A-Ma-Jigs and XBox Kinects, which elves apparently know how to make. This season, unless you’re in an area were the local government has banned Happy Meals like stuffy, mean grinches stealing Christmas, you can follow this Fancy Fast Food mock recipe derived from McDonald’s popular kids meal, for a Christmas treat for Saint Nick made entirely out of fast food items. (Why not? He’s obese anyway.)

Ingredients (from McDonald’s):

• 2 Happy Meals with:
  • a hamburger (x2)
  • a pack of Apple Dippers and caramel dip sauce (x2)
  • a bottle of milk (x2)
  • a toy (x2)
• 1 extra hamburger
• 1 fruit and walnut salad
• 1 bottle of water

Santa Claus’ origins come from the Germanic peoples of northern Europe, so it’s only fitting that we make him a Germanic treat from that region: apple strudel. Sure we could just easily buy him McDonald’s strudel-like apple pie (or their baked cookies for that matter), but where’s the artistic integrity or fun in that?

First, take all the buns from the hamburgers and wipe away the ketchup with a paper towel. (Save the burger patties for later.) Then break apart the bread into small pieces and put them in a food processor. Add a tiny bit of water and blend it down to a solid, yet flexible dough. Knead the dough and roll it flat with a rolling pin. Trim the edges off so you have a straight edge when you fold it.

Before folding the strudel, we’ll have to fill the strudel with sweet goodness, i.e. sugar and spice and everything nice. Use a rubber spatula to evenly spread the caramel dip sauce on the top third of your dough sheet. Chop some walnuts from the fruit and walnut salad and spread them over the caramel. Then take some apple slices and lay them in a row across the width of the dough. It’s so easy, even an elf could do it!

Roll the strudel carefully until the filling is completely wrapped. Pinch the sides to encase it and then cut out some steam vents on top. Then bake the McStrudel on a cookie sheet in a pre-heated oven for 30 minutes at 400°F. When it’s done, let it cool for ten minutes.

For the icing, scoop out the yogurt from the fruit and walnut salad and place it into a cake decorating bag. There’s no need to add sugar to the yogurt to make it sweet like icing because McDonald’s elves have done that for you already. Squeeze the icing over the strudel into a decorative zig-zag pattern.

If you’re an American traditionalist, you could still leave out cookies for Santa too — or at least things that look like cookies: burger patties! (Rinse them first.) McDonald’s hamburgers already have the size, texture, and shape of actual cookies, but to take it a step further, push in some chopped walnuts into the meat so they look like chips or nuts. Voila! Beefy McCookies!

Lastly, the most important part: the plating. Santa isn’t going to give up the good stuff if you don’t present his treat in a nice way. Place the McStrudel on a plate and cut in the middle to expose the steaming apple goodness inside. This will definitey put you on The Nice List. Put the cookies behind the McStrudel to downplay them; one bite into those and you’ll be put on The Naughty List. Don’t forget to serve your treats with milk on the side! And while you’re by the tree, go ahead and fasten the Happy Meal toys as ornaments. Now get ready… because Santa Claus is coming to town!

If you are viewing this recipe in an aggregator (like tumblr’s Dashboard), or as a reblogged post, please check out the real website at FancyFastFood.com.