Paella Yoshinolla (Fancy Yoshinoya) by Erik of Fancy Fast Food

This Valentine’s Day, spice up your gastronomic love life with a little shichimi-togarashi (Japanese seven spice chili powder) — you can find some at the Japanese-imported fast food chain Yoshinoya! And while you’re at the The Original Beef Bowl eatery, you might as well pick up some items to tweak à la Fancy Fast Food and make a romantic-looking dinner — assuming you don’t mind giving that special someone the gift of acid reflux. (Better tell Cupid to pack the Tums.)

Ingredients (from Yoshinoya):

• 1 Beef Short Rib and Chicken Plate
• 1 Grilled Shrimp Bowl
• 1 miso soup
• 1 chicken vegetable soup
• 1 side order of steamed vegetables
• 2 condiment cups of shichimi-togarashi (seven spice chili powder)
• 2 condiment cups of beni shoga (pickled ginger)
• 2 soft drinks of your choice

For this romantic-looking dinner, we are going to be inspired not by Japan, but by Spain — the passionate and amorous country that brought us the sensuous dance of flamenco and the aphrodisiacal delicacy of paella. In fact, we are going to fake a paella from our Yoshinoya ingredients.

First, take all the rice from your bowls and plates and spread it evenly at the base of a pan. Add the broth from the soups and simmer over a low heat. Then collect all your vegetables from the bowls and plates and add those to the stewing mixture as well.

Since we don’t have the traditional coloring spice of saffron, we are going to spice things up with the colorful Japanese chili powder. Distribute it evenly so that it infuses with all the rice and broth, and stir — it will look like you are actually making a real paella (convincing enough for any request to “kiss the cook.”)

There are as many styles of paella as there are types of fillings in a box of chocolate bon-bons, and for this “yoshinolla” version we’re going to add chicken, shrimp, and chorizo. Of course we don’t actually have Spanish sausage, so we’ll have to improvise and cut the beef short ribs into sliced sausage shapes. Slice the chicken while you’re at it, and butterfly the shrimp. Chances are you’re not getting the freshest shrimp money can buy, but hey, it’s the thought that counts, right?

Transfer the rice to a proper paella pan and garnish the top with your three meats, as well as some strips of pickled ginger for an additional splash of color. Then break out the candles or turn the lights low to set the mood. Pour your beverages in fancy wine glasses and tada!: a romantic-looking Valentine’s dinner for you and your loved one. It should go without say that it’s probably not going to be the best tasting “paella” you’ve had since you faked it — and faking it in the kitchen might lead to faking it in another room in the house — so make sure you have some backup reservations somewhere…

If you are viewing this recipe in an aggregator (like tumblr’s Dashboard), or as a reblogged post, please check out the real website at FancyFastFood.com.

Beef Strog ‘n Off (Fancy Steak ‘n Shake)
by Erik of Fancy Fast Food, with support from Bill Massey

Cold winter got you down? Warm up as the Russians do — with a little old-fashioned Beef Stroganoff — before attempting to make this fake, albeit fancy version of it.

Ingredients:

• 2 Grilled Portobello ‘n Mushroom Steakburgers
• 1 Classic Vanilla Milk Shake
• 1 side order of onion rings
• 1 side order of cottage cheese
• organic dill weed (for garnish and a touch of irony)

First, remove all the mushrooms and onions from the steakburgers. Since we have a side of onion rings, we might as well debread those and add those to the pile as well. Take them all and start stir frying them up on a skillet. Next, take the beef patties and chop them into smaller bite-sized pieces. Add those to the skillet as well.

Stroganoff is traditionally made with sour cream, but due to the lack of that one important ingredient, we are going to improvise. It’s Steak ‘n Shake after all, and we’ve already added the steak to the skillet — so why not add the shake? It sort of looks like sour cream, and if you didn’t already figure it out, this site is all about the looks, folks. The melted ice cream is obviously not sour, which is why cottage cheese should be added to the mix as well. Mush and smooth out the cottage cheese curds, and let the whole thing simmer on a low heat.

To make the noodles, let’s start by converting the buns back into dough: break apart pieces of the bread and put them in a food processor. Add a little shake or cottage cheese whey to give it a little liquid, and then blend. You now have a wad of dough that you can knead, fold, roll, and run through a pasta maker with the fettuccine attachment.

Put your freshly made pasta in the center of a fancy bowl, and then mix in your beef Strog ‘n Off concoction. Garnish with ironic dill and serve — hopefully your stomach will be “strong enough.” Chances are this dish will not exactly sit well with you on a cold winter day, which is why you could also just do another thing the Russians do, and get yourself a shot of vodka. Na zdorovia!

If you are viewing this recipe in an aggregator (like tumblr’s Dashboard), or as a reblogged post, please check out the real website at FancyFastFood.com.

Honey Apple Glazed Christmas Holiday Ham(-burger)
(Fancy BK Quad Stackers & Croissan’wiches)
by Erik of Fancy Fast Food, with assistance from Jarrod Spillers

‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, not a creature was stirring… except for the Fancy Fast Food Chef stirring apple filling and honey mustard in a saucepan for a traditional Christmas dish!

We are talking about the traditional holiday ham, the centerpiece at many a Christmas dinner, which is unfortunately an item that fast food restaurants don’t sell (the whole ham anyway), so we’ll have to get creative as usual. First let’s make a list and check it twice, and find out which ingredients are naughty or nice:

Ingredients (from Burger King):

• 8 BK Quad Stackers
• 3 Double Croissan’wiches (each with double ham and no cheese)
• 1 BK Kids Meal (with Burger Shots and a FurReal Friends toy)
• 3 Dutch Apple Pies
• 3 juiceboxes of apple juice
• 1 Garden Salad (with honey mustard dressing)

First, marvel at the fact that you just purchased eight BK Quad Stackers. Do the math: 8 x 4 = 32 patties of greasy goodness. Stack them high — it’s like Jenga, but with meat!

The stack is obviously too big and tall to put in a food processor all at once, so cut it all down into smaller pieces. Then put some chunks of all the beef, bacon and cheese in a food processor, and push the magic button. Repeat this process until all the meat is ground up, and collect it all in a big mixing bowl.

You now have a wad of meat and filler that you can mold into whatever you want — a meatloaf, a snowman, a life-sized figure of Baby Jesus if you want — but we will remain focused and mold it into a ham. Once you have the ham shape, score the back in a diagonal grid as cooks often do with real hams. To continue the façade of an actual baked ham, sear the outside with a kitchen torch.

What you have now almost looks like a ham, so start slicing it like one. It should be no surprise that once the knife carves out the first slice, there is no ham inside. This is where breakfast comes in.

Take all the ham out of your Croissan’wiches and fit slices over the side of your wad of meat. Use toothpicks to keep them from falling, then pinch the edges so the meat wad and ham slice look seamless. Place the additional slices of ham in front of your creation and pretend that it was all carved from the same place. If you can believe in Santa Claus, you can believe this.

The final touch is the glaze. Bring all the apple juice to a boil in a non-stick skillet and start to reduce it down. Add in the apple filling from the pies, and then the packet of honey mustard from the salad. Stir it on the night before Christmas, or whenever it’s convenient for you. Once it’s all blended together, brush the glaze over your mock ham.

Finally, the plating: place your ham-like creation on top of a bed of lettuce on a fancy white platter. Garnish the sides with tomatoes, carrots, and more honey apple glaze. Look at it with awe; it’s a Christmas miracle!

To go a step even further, take your BK Kids Meal FurReal Friends toy and make it into an ornament. Roll a straw wrapper into string and loop it around the doll. Looks great on a tree!

Now have a Merry Christmas and a Fancy New Year!

If you are viewing this recipe in an aggregator (like tumblr’s Dashboard), or as a reblogged post, please check out the real website at FancyFastFood.com.