Thanksribbing Dinner (Fancy McRib II) by Erik of Fancy Fast Food

This Thanksgiving, we have plenty to be thankful for, like the fact that for two years in a row now, McDonald’s has given us the limited-time bounty of America’s favorite processed pork sandwich, the McRib! (In the northeast anyway, where Thanksgiving was invented.) Last Thanksgiving, we fancified a McRib Hawaiian style, but this year, we’ll stick to a more traditional dinner, with sliced turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes and gravy. Fortunately, the processed pork from the Golden Arches can be molded into anything — even a “rib” patty that has no rib bones — which gives us more reason to celebrate the mechanically-separated harvest again!

Ingredients (from McDonald’s):

• 4 McRib sandwiches
• 1 large French fries
• 1 Caesar Salad (with croutons)
• 10 packets of Sweet ‘n Sour sauce*
• 5 packets of Barbecue sauce*
• 1 Vitaminwater
• 1 bottle of water

You’ve probably never thought of doing this before, but take each of the McRib patties from its bun, scrape off the pickles and onions, and rinse it under the kitchen faucet. Wash away that messy barbecue sauce and what you’ll have left is a slab of pork product, with one side having a texture of faux ribs. There’s no reason why this is; it’s simply ribbed for your pleasure.

Along the edges of the pork patty, you’ll notice that one side is more “ribbed” than the other. Cut that edge off; turkey doesn’t have that texture. Then, slice the patty in half the long way, so you have two slabs of meat that you’ll carve like turkey breast. Carve the patties at an angle so the resulting texture similar to turkey pieces; don’t carve the meat all the way to the perfect cut you made or else it will look really fake and you’ll break the illusion. Continue carving all the McRibs until you have a nice pile of Thanksribbing “turkey.”

Sides are always important at a Thanksgiving dinner — even if it’s fake and made for show. For mashed potatoes, simply take all the fries and put them in a food processor with a little bit of water, and then purée. To make the “gravy,” scoop out all the Sweet ‘n Sour sauce packets into a saucepan, as well as enough of the Barbecue sauce packets to darken it to your liking. Add in a little water to thin out the blend so that it’s easy to pour when you put it in a gravy boat. Stir all the sauces and water together and let it simmer over a low heat for about five minutes.

For the other side dish, we’ll make a sausage stuffing. Thankfully the McRib is actually pork, not turkey (or at least some variation of it), so dice some of the extra McRib shavings down to a minced meat. To add to this, take the carrots and some greens from the caesar salad, and chop them finely. With the salad’s croutons, you now have all the ingredients to make a legitimate stuffing. Bring about a quarter cup of bottled water to boil in a small skillet, and then add in all the croutons. As they soak up the moisture, toss in the minced meat and vegetables and stir.

Finally, the Thanksgiving plating. Get out your nice tablecloth and bust out the fine China. Place slices of the faux McTurkey on fancy white plate, along with the mashed potatoes and stuffing. Ladle in some gravy into the potatoes, and garnish the top with some chopped greens from the salad. Transfer the McGravy into a gravy boat, and pour some over the meat slices. Garnish the stuffing by placing a couple of cherry tomatoes from the salad next to it for a bit of color. For a finishing touch, compliment the meal with faux wine by pouring some Vitaminwater into a fancy wine glass. Tada! Thanksribbing Dinner is served. Now say grace and give thanks for everything, especially the fact that while this turkey isn’t actually turkey, at least it’s not going to go dry.

Happy Thanksgiving!

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Mock Gỏi Mực (Fancy BK Onion Rings) by Erik of Fancy Fast Food

Despite Burger King’s new ad campaign that aims to highlight fresher ingredients — so fresh that they move in slow motion in TV spots, because that’s what fresh items apparently do — the onion rings are the same as they’ve been for decades. I’m not talking about the onions you may find in the Whopper; I mean the onion rings you can substitute for fries for — an option that has always kept BK unique against its French fry toting competitors. But have you ever peeled away the breading from one of those things? There’s not a ring of real onion inside; it’s this weird extrusion of oniony pulp, molded into a ring shape that sort of feels like squid. With that said, let’s play with our food and pretend they are, while being inspired by Vietnamese cuisine. Why not? As they say at BK, have it your way.

Ingredients (from Burger King):

• 1 large order of Onion Rings
• 1 Garden Salad with lite Italian dressing
• packets of ketchup
• PLUS: a banana leaf (for a presentation bed of irony)

To make this mock gỏi mực, or Vietnamese squid salad, we need our mock squid first. Using your fingers, peel away the breading from each of the rings, being careful not to tear the ring apart. It’s okay if you do though (it’s inevitable), but that’s okay; squid, fake or not, can be cut in different ways. Pile all the mock calamari rings and pieces and lightly rinse them in a strainer to clean off any residual crumbs. Don’t wet it too much or they’ll fall apart.

Next, pick apart the salad. Take the darkest of the greens and coarsely chop them. Slice the carrots sticks the long way until you have many more of them. Chop the tomatoes and the red cabbage. Toss all those ingredients, along with the mock squid, in a big mixing bowl with a little bit of dressing.

Finally, the plating: cut the banana leaf to the size of a fancy plate, and simply transfer the mock gỏi mực on top. Serve with a squeeze of chili paste-looking ketchup. Ăn ngon nhé!

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Kitschy Galantine of Chicken (Fancy KGC) by Erik of Fancy Fast Food

In recent years, KFC — Kentucky Fried Chicken — has jumped on the healthier fast food bandwagon by grilling their chicken — which is quite a feat knowing that the Colonel already has a lot on his To Do list, let alone getting his white suit all dirty with marinade. KFC blatantly promotes their Kentucky Grilled Chicken so much they have even come up with the acronym, KGC, which isn’t just three letters for conversation; it’s printed on all their paper cups, boxes, and buckets. However, the name of the fast food chain is still KFC, and any KFV (Kentucky Fried Virgin) may wonder what all this KGC business is about — it can stand for anything, like so many acronyms on the Internet. How about a fancy, yet Kitschy Galantine of Chicken? LOL

Ingredients (from KFC):

• 3 Kentucky Grilled Chicken breasts
• 1 small Coleslaw
• PLUS: organic watercress (for an added touch of irony)

The French preparation of a galantine is similar to that of a roulade, in that it is meat, stuffed, rolled up and then sliced into servings like slices of bologna. The main distinction that a galantine has over a roulade is that all the fillings and poultry meat are stuffed into the skin of the bird of which it came — which IMHO sounds like a twisted mad scientist joke, but hey, if it’s good enough for Jacques Pépin, than we can at least improvise with what we have to work with at KGC.

First, use a paring knife to carefully cut and peel away the skin from each of the chicken breasts. You’ll find that you may not get a full slab of skin, but as long as you can still extract a narrow piece that is the full length of the chicken piece, you should be okay.

Next, debone the rest of the chicken breasts, and put all the white meat in a food processor. Add in all of the coleslaw, including the liquid, and then chop it all until it becomes a smooth paté.

If we had a whole bird to play with, we’d be stuffing this mix into a bigger slab of chicken skin, but we’ll just have to scoop out enough for each of the strips of breast skin we cut off. Roll the mixture in the skin, and encase it all. Then use a sharp knife to cut even slices out of the makeshift galantine.

Typically, the slices that come out of a proper galantine are bigger, so what you can do is press in some more of the paté into each of the slices until is expands outwards. Use your fingers maintain the circular formation while keeping the skin around the edge. After you’ve made enough to serve, stick it in the fridge for a while; galantines are typically served cold. BRB

Arrange your slices of Kitschy Gallantine of Chicken onto a fancy white plate, and then garnish with some ironic watercress. Voilà! KGC, meet FFF. OMG! WTF?

If you are viewing this recipe in an aggregator (like tumblr’s Dashboard), or as a reblogged post, please check out the real website at FancyFastFood.com.