Beef Strog ‘n Off (Fancy Steak ‘n Shake)
by Erik of Fancy Fast Food, with support from Bill Massey

Cold winter got you down? Warm up as the Russians do — with a little old-fashioned Beef Stroganoff — before attempting to make this fake, albeit fancy version of it.

Ingredients:

• 2 Grilled Portobello ‘n Mushroom Steakburgers
• 1 Classic Vanilla Milk Shake
• 1 side order of onion rings
• 1 side order of cottage cheese
• organic dill weed (for garnish and a touch of irony)

First, remove all the mushrooms and onions from the steakburgers. Since we have a side of onion rings, we might as well debread those and add those to the pile as well. Take them all and start stir frying them up on a skillet. Next, take the beef patties and chop them into smaller bite-sized pieces. Add those to the skillet as well.

Stroganoff is traditionally made with sour cream, but due to the lack of that one important ingredient, we are going to improvise. It’s Steak ‘n Shake after all, and we’ve already added the steak to the skillet — so why not add the shake? It sort of looks like sour cream, and if you didn’t already figure it out, this site is all about the looks, folks. The melted ice cream is obviously not sour, which is why cottage cheese should be added to the mix as well. Mush and smooth out the cottage cheese curds, and let the whole thing simmer on a low heat.

To make the noodles, let’s start by converting the buns back into dough: break apart pieces of the bread and put them in a food processor. Add a little shake or cottage cheese whey to give it a little liquid, and then blend. You now have a wad of dough that you can knead, fold, roll, and run through a pasta maker with the fettuccine attachment.

Put your freshly made pasta in the center of a fancy bowl, and then mix in your beef Strog ‘n Off concoction. Garnish with ironic dill and serve — hopefully your stomach will be “strong enough.” Chances are this dish will not exactly sit well with you on a cold winter day, which is why you could also just do another thing the Russians do, and get yourself a shot of vodka. Na zdorovia!

If you are viewing this recipe in an aggregator (like tumblr’s Dashboard), or as a reblogged post, please check out the real website at FancyFastFood.com.

Honey Apple Glazed Christmas Holiday Ham(-burger)
(Fancy BK Quad Stackers & Croissan’wiches)
by Erik of Fancy Fast Food, with assistance from Jarrod Spillers

‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, not a creature was stirring… except for the Fancy Fast Food Chef stirring apple filling and honey mustard in a saucepan for a traditional Christmas dish!

We are talking about the traditional holiday ham, the centerpiece at many a Christmas dinner, which is unfortunately an item that fast food restaurants don’t sell (the whole ham anyway), so we’ll have to get creative as usual. First let’s make a list and check it twice, and find out which ingredients are naughty or nice:

Ingredients (from Burger King):

• 8 BK Quad Stackers
• 3 Double Croissan’wiches (each with double ham and no cheese)
• 1 BK Kids Meal (with Burger Shots and a FurReal Friends toy)
• 3 Dutch Apple Pies
• 3 juiceboxes of apple juice
• 1 Garden Salad (with honey mustard dressing)

First, marvel at the fact that you just purchased eight BK Quad Stackers. Do the math: 8 x 4 = 32 patties of greasy goodness. Stack them high — it’s like Jenga, but with meat!

The stack is obviously too big and tall to put in a food processor all at once, so cut it all down into smaller pieces. Then put some chunks of all the beef, bacon and cheese in a food processor, and push the magic button. Repeat this process until all the meat is ground up, and collect it all in a big mixing bowl.

You now have a wad of meat and filler that you can mold into whatever you want — a meatloaf, a snowman, a life-sized figure of Baby Jesus if you want — but we will remain focused and mold it into a ham. Once you have the ham shape, score the back in a diagonal grid as cooks often do with real hams. To continue the façade of an actual baked ham, sear the outside with a kitchen torch.

What you have now almost looks like a ham, so start slicing it like one. It should be no surprise that once the knife carves out the first slice, there is no ham inside. This is where breakfast comes in.

Take all the ham out of your Croissan’wiches and fit slices over the side of your wad of meat. Use toothpicks to keep them from falling, then pinch the edges so the meat wad and ham slice look seamless. Place the additional slices of ham in front of your creation and pretend that it was all carved from the same place. If you can believe in Santa Claus, you can believe this.

The final touch is the glaze. Bring all the apple juice to a boil in a non-stick skillet and start to reduce it down. Add in the apple filling from the pies, and then the packet of honey mustard from the salad. Stir it on the night before Christmas, or whenever it’s convenient for you. Once it’s all blended together, brush the glaze over your mock ham.

Finally, the plating: place your ham-like creation on top of a bed of lettuce on a fancy white platter. Garnish the sides with tomatoes, carrots, and more honey apple glaze. Look at it with awe; it’s a Christmas miracle!

To go a step even further, take your BK Kids Meal FurReal Friends toy and make it into an ornament. Roll a straw wrapper into string and loop it around the doll. Looks great on a tree!

Now have a Merry Christmas and a Fancy New Year!

If you are viewing this recipe in an aggregator (like tumblr’s Dashboard), or as a reblogged post, please check out the real website at FancyFastFood.com.

Bubbe Wendy’s Hanukkah Latkes (Fancy Wendy’s Hash Browns)
by Erik of Fancy Fast Food, with assistance from Lilit Marcus of Jewcy and Save The Assistants

Hey everybody, it’s Hanukkah! It’s Chanuka! No matter how you spell it, it’s time for the Jewish festival of lights — eight crazy nights of dreidels gone wild, a time when latkes are as abundant as old yentas around a mahjongg table. But you don’t need to be Jewish to partake in Hanukkah traditions, particularly the gastronomic treat of latkes (or lattkes). No matter how you spell it, “latkes” is Yiddish for fried pancakes, typically of the potato variety — making it oddly similar to McDonald’s hash browns. However, Bubbe Wendy has guilted us into using her Fancy Fast Food recipe (“If you just want to use McDonald’s hash browns, then I guess that’s fine by me…”), so here goes. Oy…

Ingredients (from Wendy’s):

• 8 orders of hash browns (for the eight nights of Hannukah)
• 2 baked potatoes (with packets of sour cream and “Buttery-Best Spread”)
• 2 orders of mandarin oranges
• 1 small soft drink
• 1 bottle of water
• packets of Sweet & Sour Sauce
• packets of sugar
• packets of salt and pepper
• a pinch of Jewish guilt (may be substituted with Catholic guilt)
• organic chives (for garnish and a touch of irony)

Latkes are traditionally served with apple sauce or sour cream. We already have the latter, so we’re going to have to make the apple sauce. Unfortunately, Wendy’s sells no apple products whatsoever, so we’ll have to get creative.

What are apples? They are a kind of fruit that are sometimes sweet, sometimes sour, and so naturally we will start with Sweet & Sour Sauce. To add a fruity pulp to it, we’ll add the mandarin oranges — but that’s fine; Bubbe Wendy moved down to Boca.

Put the manadrin oranges in a food processor and purée them, then strain out the extraneous juice. Mix this pulp in a bowl with the Sweet & Sour Sauce. The color is a bit intense to look like real apple sauce, so scoop out some baked potato (minus any chives) and mix it in — the French call potatoes “pommes de terre” (apples of earth) so we’ll go with it. Mush and whisk it all until it sort of looks like apple sauce; add sugar until it’s as sweet.

Next, the latkes themselves. Take all the mini hash brown nuggets and mush them with your hands. Touching them, you’ll realize they are all too greasy for things to stick together, so we’ll need to make a batter to work as a binding agent.

Put one baked potato, minus the skin, into a food processor and add about a quarter cup of water. Hit purée and voilà: batter! Add this potato batter to your pile of hash browns and mix thoroughly in a bowl. Add salt and pepper as desired.

In a large non-stick skillet, melt a few packets of Wendy’s “Buttery-Best Spread;” there’s enough oil in it for a fry-up. Slice the top of your beverage’s paper cup and use it as a guide when forming the batter into pancakes in the skillet. Fry each evenly on both sides until it becomes crispy and golden brown. Argue with Bubbe Wendy that they do in fact, resemble McDonald’s hash browns now — but let her win the argument; she’ll try and make you feel guilty for never calling her anyway.

You are ready to serve the Hannukah latkes, but wait! You can use your fancy kitchen tools in continued preparation for the holiday: use a fondue fork to clean out the old waxy build-up in your menorah; use a kitchen torch to light the new candles.

Garnish the latkes with organic chives (for that extra touch of irony), and then have a Happy Hannukah, courtesy of Bubbe Wendy and Fancy Fast Food! Now spin those dreidels until we figure out what we’re going to do for Christmas…

If you are viewing this recipe in an aggregator (like tumblr’s Dashboard), or as a reblogged post, please check out the real website at FancyFastFood.com.