Osso BuKko (Fancy BK Fire-Grilled Ribs)
by Erik of Fancy Fast Food (with some support from Lana Price)

Let’s face it: as authentic as Burger King claimed their limited-time-only “Fire-Grilled Ribs” to be, they didn’t exactly look pretty. Sure they looked amazing on the commercial with the magic of television, and on the posters with the magic of photography, but out of the box they just looked sloppy, like they were defective rawhide dog bone chew treats. (No offense to companies out there that make rawhide dog bone chew treats.)

We here at the Fancy Fast Food kitchen wanted to work a little magic of our own and transform the King’s legitimate ribs into something more legit-looking. Given that these fast food ribs did in fact come on the bone (unlike that on-again/off-again limited-time-only sandwich at the Golden Arches), we decided to make an osso bucco, that Italian dish where bones — and the marrow inside — are a part of the recipe, if not the most significant ingredient since the Italian name literally translates to “bone hole.” How much marrow we would actually get out of these “B-holes” was indeterminable, but the ending visual sure looked fancy — in the end, it’s all about how good it looks, remember?

Ingredients (from Burger King):

• 1 order of BK Fire-Grilled Ribs (6)
• 1 order of Onion Rings
• 1 order of French Fries
• 1 Garden Salad
• 1 medium Dr. Pepper (with ice)
• packets of barbecue sauce and ketchup

First things first: strain the Dr. Pepper into a saucepan, saving the ice for a later use. Bring the Dr. Pepper to a boil so that it starts reducing; that carbonated prune juice flavor will be the base of our makeshift osso bucco sauce.

While that’s going, prepare the other ingredients: debread the onion rings and expose them for their onion mush extrusion; these will be the onions in the sauce. Chop the baby carrots and the stalky parts of the lettuce from the salad. Slice the cherry tomatoes into halves.

Once the Dr. P has reduced to a syrupy consistency, add in the barbecue sauce and ketchup and stir. Add in the onions, carrots, and chopped greens, followed by all the ribs. Reduce the saucepan to a low heat and let the whole stew simmer covered for 10-20 minutes. It is during this time that some of the marrow in the ribs’ bones should magically ooze out into the sauce; how much really depends on how stubborn those bone holes want to be. B-holes!

Melt some ice back into water and use it in the magic food processor to blend the french fries into a mashed potato consistency. Scoop some potato onto the center of a fancy plate; this will be the bed for your stewed ribs. Finish the plating by garnishing the dish with some sauce, cherry tomatoes, and some finely-chopped lettuce from the salad (the darker leaves). Presto! The King’s ribs are now “Osso BuKko” and they look better than they did on television! How’s that for magic?

If you are viewing this recipe in an aggregator (like tumblr’s Dashboard), or as a reblogged post, please check out the real website at FancyFastFood.com.

Chicken Cordon Deux (Fancy KFC Double Down)
by Erik of Fancy Fast Food

So everyone’s up in arms about KFC’s Double Down, this summer’s sandwich sensation “so meaty, there’s no room for the bun!” Fast foodies praise its inventiveness, while nutrition and health advocates condemn its use of fatty fried chicken in lieu of bread — but is it really that bad or even that ingenious? Think about it; take away KFC’s gimmicky breadless marketing campaign and the Double Down is not that different from Chicken Cordon Bleu, an established and well-respected recipe from the gourmet chefs of the famous eponymous French culinary institution. And of course, everyone knows everything in France is fancy, especially when it’s spelled and pronounced “bleu” instead of “blue.”

When you break it down, are the Double Down and Chicken Cordon Bleu not both dishes with melted cheese and pig meat surrounded by chicken that is breaded before frying or baking? Rather than transform a fast food dish into something completely different this time, let’s prove this point:

Ingredients (from KFC):

• 1 KFC Double Down sandwich (cripsy)
• 1 beverage of your preference
• organic French tarragon (for that extra touch of irony)

As simple as this recipe may sound, a lot of thought went into the creation of it; we here at the Fancy Fast Food kitchen experimented with eight Double Downs before we got it right. (That’s sixteen downs!) We first approached it in the traditional way, rolling sliced fillets of chicken around the bacon and cheese like a roulade, but with the chicken fillets already cooked, it didn’t stick too well together with the available ingredients — even when rolling it in plastic wrap. We tried grinding the chicken down, thinking it would stick together better in the roll, but it would always fall apart. We tried it with aluminum foil, and by molding the roll manually with the filling inside, but nothing would stick. Finally we decided that if we couldn’t physically wrap chicken around the bacon and cheese, we’d approach it the opposite way and stuff the filling into the chicken.

To start, let the sandwich cool down so that the insides aren’t melted and sticky, then remove the cheese and bacon from the “buns” of fried chicken. (Traditionally, Chicken Cordon Bleu has ham and swiss cheese, but we’re going to improvise with the Colonel’s recipe of bacon and Monterey Jack.) Take one of the two fried chicken breasts and slice the skin and breading off of one side (the long way) to expose a face of white meat chicken. Do the same to the other piece. Now when they are stacked with the white meat faces touching each other, it forms one thick piece of breaded chicken. So meaty!

To “fill” the chicken, carve a groove in the center across the span of each chicken breast — being careful not to cut all the way through to the breaded side — so that there’s a channel with enough room for the cheese and bacon. Make sure the two grooves match up in the middle when the chicken is restacked, so you have a “hole.”

Stack the chicken breasts with the filling inside and then nuke it for about twenty seconds — long enough for the cheese to melt. Then slice your Chicken Cordon Deux into bite-sized amuse-bouche (that sounds fancy) and garnish with an ironic French tarragon leaf each. Serve with your beverage in fancy wine glassses and voila! Chicken Cordon Deux! It may be more or less the same thing, but doesn’t the word “deux” just make it sound fancier than “double down?”

If you are viewing this recipe in an aggregator (like tumblr’s Dashboard), or as a reblogged post, please check out the real website at FancyFastFood.com.

Coq Au CheerVin (Fancy Bojangles’)
by Erik of Fancy Fast Food (with assistance from Jessica Bellamy and Lilit Marcus, using items from a fast food chain suggested by Bon Appétit’s Andrew Knowlton)

If you’re a hungry carnivore spending any amount of time in the Carolinas, you will undoubtedly be stuffing your face with signature dishes like Carolina pulled pork or deliciously greasy fried chicken. And while you may enjoy an ice cold Carolina Pale Ale with your meal, the most cheerful way to wash it all down is with a nice glass of Carolina-born Cheerwine. For all you Yankees who aren’t privy to this sweet southern concoction, Cheerwine is a sweet and bubbly cherry soda unlike any other, with a deep burgundy color resembling a fine Pinot Noir. Cheerwine is a popular soft drink in the south that is more “cheer” than “wine” (and more “cherry” than “cheer”), but we’re going to pretend it’s that Pinot — it looks like that when you pour it into fancy stemware anyway.

What better way to pair a Carolina dish with Carolina Cheerwine than to fuse them together in a mock recipe for Coq Au Vin — that French dish where chicken is braised in red wine? And so, we present the Fancy Fast Food recipe for “Coq Au CheerVin” (pronounced kohk oh sheer vaehn’ if you want to sound all Frenchy):

Ingredients (from NC-based fried chicken chain Bojangles’):

• 1 two-piece Fried Chicken Dinner (leg & thigh) with:
• 1 Biscuit
• 1 side of Cole Slaw
• 1 side of Dirty Rice
• 1 side of Green Beans
• 1 large Cheerwine
• packets of salt, pepper, and hot sauce

First, let’s get the pretend-Pinot-Noir Cheerwine simmering; pour the liquid in a saucepan — saving some to pair with your meal afterwards — and bring it to a boil. In lieu of the unavailable ingredients for a proper coq au vin (mushrooms, onions, lardons), we are going to spice our stew with our packets of salt, pepper, and hot sauce.

Next, slice the biscuit in two, and bake it in a pre-heated oven at 400º until it becomes hard and crusty, like your grandpa who’s still mad at General Sherman. Let it cool before pulverizing it down into bread crumbs with a blender or food processor. We will use this to coat our chicken pieces as well as add a little thickness to the stew since it is entirely made of starch and fat.

Skin the two pieces of chicken, and then bread them with the breadcrumbs in a big mixing bowl. Once they are coated, drop them into the saucepan and let them stew for a while, until the meat absorbs all of the red cheery and cherry goodness.

In the meantime, rinse the cole slaw and add it to the dirty rice so you can stop referring to it as “dirty,” and start calling it rice pilaf. Arrange the cut green beans on a plate back into the form of the whole string beans they came from, and only refer to them as haricots verts from now on.

Finally, plate your fancy dish: add the Coq Au CheerVin chicken pieces to the pilaf and haricots verts, along with some sauce. And remember to pour some of the remaining CheerVin in a wine glass… Clink! Finally something a little classy to serve during that next Carolina/Duke game!

If you are viewing this recipe in an aggregator (like tumblr’s Dashboard), or as a reblogged post, please check out the real website at FancyFastFood.com.